By Bigfoot — Virginia’s Hairiest Trail Guide & Reluctant Environmentalist
Let me start by saying this: I love the sound of nature.
Birds chirping, creeks flowing, wind whispering through the pines…
And then here comes you — blasting “Enter Sandman” at full volume while crawling up Bald Mountain in 4-Low.
Look, I get it. You’re excited. You’re outdoors. You’re in your element.
But as your local forest resident, I feel obligated — morally and follicularly — to remind you of a few simple trail etiquette tips, straight from the creature who’s seen it all.
🚙 Rule #1: The Trail Is a Two-Way Street (Even When It’s Not)
If you see another rig coming toward you on a narrow trail, don’t play chicken.
One of you needs to yield. Usually, the one going downhill yields to the one going up.
But what actually happens?
Two off-roaders stare at each other for five minutes, both pretending they “have the right of way.”
Meanwhile, I’m off to the side eating pine needles and waiting for you both to evolve thumbs that can wave politely.
🗑️ Rule #2: Pack It In, Pack It Out (Yes, Even That)
I’ve found some wild stuff out here: soda cans, cigarette butts, half a bumper, and once, an entire tent.
You know who you are.
Listen, I live out here. I don’t need your empty Red Bull cans as lawn decor.
If you brought it, you can carry it back. Bonus points if you pick up something extra — I call that “Sasquatch Karma.”
Every piece of trash you leave behind just gives humans a bad rep… and me indigestion.
🐾 Rule #3: Respect the Locals (That’s Me and My Deer Friends)
We were here first. Deer, bear, raccoons, and yes — me.
So when you see a family of wild turkeys crossing the trail, maybe don’t rev your engine like you’re at Bristol Motor Speedway.
Animals don’t understand “aftermarket exhaust,” and frankly, neither do I.
Oh, and if you see me?
Don’t chase me with your GoPro. I’m not content — I’m conscious.
🔊 Rule #4: Keep the Noise Down
Trail life isn’t a concert.
If you’re blasting music loud enough to scare squirrels into a witness protection program, tone it down.
Pro tip: If you can hear your playlist over your winch motor, you’re doing it wrong.
🛻 Rule #5: Don’t Hog the Trailhead
You know that guy who takes up three parking spots unloading his gear? Yeah, everyone hates that guy.
Be efficient. Get your rig ready, say your goodbyes, and roll out.
You don’t need a pre-trail TED Talk in the staging area.
🪣 Rule #6: Leave It Better Than You Found It
Take five minutes at the end of your ride to pick up trash, move a branch, or tidy the trailhead.
You’ll feel better, I’ll respect you more, and the forest might just forgive you for that burnout you did earlier.
Besides — how cool is it to be able to say, “I helped keep this trail open”?
🧠 Bonus Wisdom from Bigfoot’s Muddy Mind
- Wave to other drivers. You’re not enemies — you’re both stuck in the same mud pit of life.
- Stay on the marked trail. If it looks like a shortcut, it’s probably my living room.
- Don’t spin your tires like you’re mixing cake batter. It just digs deeper ruts and makes future trips miserable.
🌳 Final Words from the Woods
You humans always talk about “Tread Lightly.”
Well, I’ve been treading lightly since before your great-grandpappy invented the wheel.
So be kind, be mindful, and maybe — just maybe — next time you leave the trail, I won’t have to write another blog about how you almost hit a deer while eating a gas station burrito.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go yell at a raccoon for stealing my cooler. Again.
– Bigfoot
Virginia Off-Road Contributor, Trail Philosopher, and Unofficial Forest HOA President
(P.S. If you drop something shiny, I might keep it. Finders keepers, forest edition.)
No responses yet