Hello humanz, frends, off-road famly, raccoon union members, and that one guy who always shows up to rides with a Subaru and a dream.
It is I, BIGFOOT, author, explorer, master of hide-and-seek champion 1,000 years in a row (unbeeten), and proud supporter of the off-road community here in Virginia and the whole Appalachy place.
This is my offishul Crissmuss Trail Report, writed from my own perspective, using the most powerful tool known to sasquatch-kind:
My giant fluffy fingers smashin a keyboard.
There will be spelling mistakes.
There will be chaos.
There will be raccoons.
If you want grammur, go read somethin by an elf or whatever.
Let us begin.
🎅 How My Crissmuss Adventure Started (or: Why Glitter Is the Devil)
Every year, when the turkeys stop gobbling and the humans stop yelling about Black Friday, I, Bigfoot, begin preperashuns for the Annual Bigfoot Crissmuss Off-Road Crawl.
This year I had big plans. HUGE plans.
Plans so festive Santa himself would do a double-take and say, “Bro, tone it down.”
I packed all the essentials:
- A bucket of red and green glitter I stole from a Boy Scout troop
- A box of solar lights (only 3 worked, but that is more than 0 so I call it a win)
- One candy cane the size of a baseball bat
- A raccoon I found in my backpack (did not invite him)
- And Frogger, who followed me because he heard the word “cookies”
When we arrived at the trail, Frogger asked,
“Bigfeet, what are we gonna decorayte first?”
I proudly held up my giant wooden sign that said:
“Merrie Crissmuss Off-Roaderzz!!”
Yes, the spelling is perfict. Do not question me.
Trashcan Terry the raccoon looked at it, tilted his head, and said,
“Buddy… that ain’t English.”
But I don’t come to trail rides for judgmint, so I stapled that sign right to a tree that definitely did not want to participate in the holidays.
🌲 Decorating the Trail (AKA: Things Got Outta Control Fast)
My goal was to make the Blue Ridge look like Santa’s workshop crashed into a mud pit behind a Walmart.
To make this vision come true, I sprinkled glitter on EVERYTHING.
Tree? Glitter.
Rock? Glitter.
My own feet? Glitter.
Frogger? He sparkled like a disco frog.
Then I wrapped solar lights around a tiny baby pine tree. It fell over immediately.
Raccoons started arriving from everywhere like some kind of woodland Black Friday sale. They formed a “decorashun commitee” and demanded:
- Marshmallows
- Creative control
- A raccoon-sized Christmas tree fort
- And union-approved snack breaks every 7 minutes
I said yes because raccoons scare me a little.
They began hanging “ornaments,” which were actually shiny hubcaps they stole off Jeeps last month. One raccoon dangled from a branch like a festive furry lightbulb.
I stepped back and admired the chaos.
“Beautifull,” I grumbled.
“Looks like Christmas sneezed.”
🎁 Off-Roaders Arrive, Realize They Made a Mistake
Soon headlights appeared. Trucks, Jeeps, Broncos, one confused minivan that turned around IMMEDIATELY—everyone showed up ready for my Crissmuss Crawl.
A driver rolled down his window and said,
“Uh… Bigfoot? Why is everything glittery?”
I puffed my chest and said,
“BECAUSE IT IS FESTIVE.”
He nodded slowly. “Right. Yeah. Sure.”
The group aired down their tires and lined up behind me, trusting I would lead them safely through the trail.
Poor fools.
🔧 Thank You See-Mor Customs, You Saved the First Jeep
About 3 minutes into the ride, someone sank their Jeep into the hole I dug for my “foot bath.”
I may have forgotten to mention that hole existed.
“Don’t worry frend!” I shouted proudly.
“I use my winchy from See-Mor Customs!”
That magical winch is so strong it once pulled me out of a swamp AND dragged a raccoon who refused to let go of my leg.
Within seconds, the Jeep popped out like a cork from a champagne bottle.
“TA-DAAA!” I roared, doing jazz hands.
(Probably should not do jazz hands while holding a tree. Knocked myself over.)
See-Mor, you absolute legends.
If I had money, I would give it to you.
But instead I give you love and a complimentary boulder.
🛠 Bull Run 4×4: Frogger Needs Help AGAIN
We had barely recovered from the Jeep incident when Frogger yelled:
“WATCH THIS SICK JUMP, BIGFOOT!”
He hit a bump.
The quad went left.
Frogger went right.
The laws of physics resigned.
His suspension arm snapped clean off.
He looked up from the snowbank and croaked,
“Bull Run 4×4 can fix this, probly.”
Bull Run 4×4 once rebuilt the front of my sleigh-jeep after I tried to turn it into a submarine.
So yes, THEY CAN FIX ANYTHING.
But seemz like they busy today so Frogger just zip-tied the quad back together and said, “It fine.”
It not fine.
🌧 Then the Snow Melted and the Real Fun Began
Right when we reached the ridge, a warm breeze rolled through. SNOW MELTED FAST.
Trail turned into Mud Mountain.
I yelled,
“TIME FOR THE CRISSMUSS SKIDPLATE SLIDE!!!!”
Everyone stared.
Then someone shouted, “DO IT!”
And the chaos began.
A Bronco did a perfect 360° spin and impressed even the raccoons.
A Tacoma hydroplaned across a puddle that might’ve been a lake.
A Subaru tried… bless his heart… and instantly became a garden ornament.
I myself belly-flopped down the muddy hillside like a giant furry sled.
“WOOOOOOO!” I screamed, covered head to toe in mud, glitter, and joy
🔥 The Christmas Campfire (Feat. Snacks and Regret)
When we finished our mud ballet, we gathered around a fire I built using:
- Logs
- Kindling
- One traffic cone I found
- And a little bit of hope
We roasted marshmellows.
Raccoons stole 75% of the marshmellows.
Frogger tried to roast a gummy worm (melted instantly).
I decided to give a speech like the wise sasquatch chief I am.
“Frends, humanz, creaturz… Crissmuss ain’t about perfict decorayshuns or whether you get stuck in mud up to your eyebrows. It about community. It about laughin. It about helpin each other when you get your bumper wedged in a tree.
And thank you See-Mor and Bull Run 4×4 for making this Crissmuss Crawl posssible! Without you, half this group would still be stuck on the mountain and Frogger would be in 14 pieces.”
They clapped.
Or maybe they slapped mosquitos.
Either way I take it as applause.
🎅 THEN SANTA SHOWED UP. FOR REAL.
Jingle bells.
A sleigh in the moonlight.
Reindeer touchdown.
Santa stepped out, looked around, and whispered,
“What… in the holly jolly hell happened here?”
He saw:
- Glitter-covered raccoons
- A deflated inflatable Santa corpse
- A Bronco stuck in a tree
- Frogger doing donuts in a circle yelling “FROGGERMASSSSS”
- Me holding a candy cane club
Santa squinted.
“Bigfoot… is this your event?”
“Yes Santa!” I said proudly. “Do you like it??”
He blinked eight times.
“…Sure.”
He handed me a wrapped present.
I opened it.
It was a book titled:
“Learn to Spell: A Guide for Large Hairy Beings”
I cried.
“THIS IS BEST GIFT ANYONE EVER GIVE ME.”
Santa said, “I figured.”
⭐ The Ride Ends, but the Spirit Lives On
Eventually, the off-roaders washed off the mud, aired up, and headed home with stories that nobody at work would believe.
Raccoons waddled back to their dens buzzing from stolen sugar.
Frogger attempted one last jump and instantly regretted all his life choices.
I hugged every rig goodbye.
Some drivers looked terrified when a nine-foot creature wrapped muddy arms around their Jeep.
But it heartfelt.
I watched the taillights fade and whispered:
“Merry Crissmuss to all… and to all a good crawl.”
A tree fell over behind me.
Probably my fault.
Definitely my fault.
🎄 Bigfoot’s Final Crissmuss Thoughts
Humanz, listen to me good:
Off-roading ain’t just driving on dirt.
It famly.
It laughs.
It helping each other.
It mud in places mud is not supposed to go.
It raccoons stealing your snacks and then pretending they didn’t.
It Frogger breaking 17 laws of physics.
It sponsors like See-Mor Customs and Bull Run 4×4 who keep the trails alive and the rigs movin.
So wherever you drive this season—Virginia, Appalachia, other weird humanz states—remember:
Keep the trails clean.
Keep the community strong.
And keep believing in Crissmuss magic…
Because I, Bigfoot, absolutely do.
Especially the part with cookies.
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