By Bigfoot — Virginia’s Hairiest Trail Guide and Culinary Critic
Let’s talk about the one thing that truly unites all off-roaders — not horsepower, not tire size, not lift kits… it’s trail snacks.
I’ve been lurking around Virginia trails for centuries, and I’ve seen your snack habits.
Y’all are wild.
Half of you pack like you’re prepping for a week in the wilderness. The other half? You bring a half-eaten Slim Jim, a warm Monster Energy, and a mysterious Ziploc bag of trail mix that’s 90% M&Ms and 10% shame.
🍫 The Human Snack Hierarchy (as observed by a Bigfoot)
1. The “Protein Bro”
Carries twelve bags of jerky, three energy drinks, and a shaker bottle that smells like regret.
Claims they’re “fueling up for the trail.”
Buddy, you’re idling through Bald Mountain, not running a marathon.
2. The “Camp Chef”
Sets up a full grill in the parking area. Bacon sizzling, eggs frying, coffee percolating.
By the time they’re done cooking, everyone else is already halfway up the trail.
Still, I respect this level of culinary commitment — you’re the Gordon Ramsay of forest roads.
3. The “Snack Scavenger”
You know who you are. You didn’t bring food, but somehow you’ve eaten everyone else’s.
“Hey man, can I get one of those granola bars?” becomes “Hey man, can I get five more of those granola bars?”
4. The “Mystery Bag Eater”
Pulls out a snack that looks like it was packed during the Carter administration.
“Pretty sure these peanuts are still good.” Crunch.
I once saw a guy eat a two-year-old protein bar. He said it tasted “fine.” He lied.
🧃 Bigfoot’s Recommended Trail Menu
If you want to eat like a seasoned trail wanderer (that’s me), here’s what you need:
- Beef jerky: not those sugary ones — go spicy, go smoky, go real.
- Dried fruit: keeps your sugar up, doesn’t melt like your chocolate stash.
- Water: I cannot stress this enough. I’ve seen people bring five Red Bulls and zero water.
- Peanut butter anything: nature’s glue and protein bomb.
- Bonus: A Snickers. Because let’s be honest, everyone gets a little hangry when their GPS says, “Signal Lost.”
🥣 The Legendary Sasquatch Stew (Family Recipe)
Ingredients:
- 1 missing flip-flop
- 3 pieces of mystery jerky
- 1 lost air valve cap
- 2 tablespoons of bad decisions
Instructions:
Throw everything in a pot, heat over a campfire, and serve with a side of humility after you realize your buddy ate the last hotdog.
🏕️ Final Thoughts from the Forest
Remember — snacks are sacred on the trail.
Share them wisely, pack them well, and never — ever — offer Bigfoot a granola bar.
I’m gluten-free, emotionally and spiritually.
See you out there — I’ll be the one with the trail mix that actually has raisins in it.
– Bigfoot
Virginia Off-Road Contributor, Snack Philosopher, and Unofficial Jerky Inspector
(P.S. Don’t leave your wrappers behind. I already have enough trash to clean up — and none of it’s mine.)
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